Where to even start? I'm 21 now and close to two years ago was the day I decided to turn my life around after hitting rock bottom. Now, traveling back to about age 18 and 19, I was lost, dark, and nowhere to be found. My way of living felt destructive, toxic, and unfulfilling. I'm not sure what exactly triggered this way of living; I guess I possessed a low self-esteem and would take any attention I could get. On top of that, feeling 'numb' was a theme for me, it's as if I did not ever want to feel my emotions. Everything felt so intense.
So taking a look at my own personal rock bottom: I was partying, drinking, smoking, and constantly fluctuating between extreme highs and lows. When I felt the crash, I felt it hard. After one of my crashes, I thought to myself how I did not want to live like this anymore. I felt so sad, unhealthy, and yearning for high states but always seeking through synthetic use. I wanted a pure, raw, and authentic way of living.
So two years ago, I admitted myself to the hospital for the second time within the same year. This time, it was around fall, and it was different this time — I actually wanted to change. In the hospital, I gave up the ecstasy, the night life, and all the lies I was living; I was seriously done. I remember having computer time in the hospital and looking up affirmations and copying it down word for word on paper. The affirmations focused around forgiving, healing, and loving thyself. As I was discharged, I began making this part of my daily routine and would read the encouraging words every morning after waking up.
At this point I was set on creating a new life for myself and still am to this day. Currently I am living as a new person; the girl I've been sharing about has dissolved, and she is from the past. That girl is a constant reminder for me to see how far I have come, but I set her free a long time ago and now I'm flying. Without the many attempts of suicide and the toxic way of living, I wouldn't be where I am now. My purpose is to inspire, transform, and guide others into creating a new way of living. You are not your story, you are the author. It takes time to heal and you can not rush the process but trust you are being held even when things come crashing down. You are a masterpiece, a story full of scars, and forever monumental. Trust that you will have that awakening, and even though it feels like life is shaking you to the core, continue trusting. You are unfolding, and soon you will be flying.
With my story, I have created a website called The Souls Medicine and will soon be life coaching. Now looking back two years ago, I thought my path would end up so much differently but deep down this feels right.
Trust your calling, it's here to better serve our world as a whole.
You are love, and don't you ever forget that.
Written by Gianna Petteruti